FEAR OF DEATH

Have you noticed how we Americans avoid the word "die"? We use euphemisms, such as, "pass away","go to heaven", or, irreverently, "kick the bucket"--anything to avoid that taboo word. We don't allow children to attend funerals. Everything is very hush-hush when someone is "deceased".

Not all cultures have this attitude. Look at the Mexicans, with their annual "Day of the Dead". At our Hallowe'en time, they dwell on death, in what some people would call a morbid way. But they make fun of it, demystify it, with candy skeletons and cookie death masks. This approaches a cult of the dead, in sharp contrast with our avoidance of the dead. 

In  Europe, where the wearing of black is a sign of mourning, some older women have all-black wardrobes, as someone in their entourage is always dying. Men show their respect less conspicuously with black arm bands.

Why are we American so different? One reason is the attitude of our medical doctors. We already look up to them with exaggerated deference. When we see "Dr" in front of someone's name, we automatically assume it refers to a medical degree. We treat them as authorities, not to be questioned.  It is therefore not surprising  that the prestige we attach to them spills over into adapting their attitude toward death. As savers of life they are taught to see death as their enemy. Whenever they can save a life, no matter at what cost, they claim a victory in the never-ending battle between life and death. It's no wonder we take over this attitude, without thinking.

In addition, as a still-young culture, we worship youth. Old age and dying are not valued. No wonder we try to hide evidences of age and accompanying failing health, by resorting to Botox, plastic surgery, hair pieces.

The economic consequences of this attitude can be felt in our approach to health care. As we are gradually reaching the conclusion that universal, single-payer insurance is the only feasible, affordable way to counter ever-rising health care costs, we find a large stumbling block in our path: our "don't touch" attitude toward severe illness and dying. Instead of prolonging life at exhorbitant cost, we will be obliged to ration end-of-life treatment. The word "ration" scares people. But health care is already rationed, in an "irrational" way: those who can afford it obtain the best care, and live long. The poor take an aspirin, and die young.

"Rational" rationing uses money on preventive care, prevention and early treatment of large-scale illnesses, like malaria, malnutrition, AIDS. care according to need. Spending thousands to  keep one nonogenarian alive will be eliminated. This may seem hard-hearted. But I just turned 93. I have signed documents stating that I do not wish heroic measures to be used in order to prolong my life. 

As a society we must overcome our reluctance to face dying and death, not think of them as enemies, but as friends. If, as Hospice has discovered, using palliative measures to reduce pain can help make the dying process be a time of reflection, reminiscing about old times, mending relationships if necessary, preparing for death in a peaceful way.

Only when we have overcome our fear of death will we achieve truly universal health insurance.

DEPOLARIZATION PROGRAM

THESIS        ANTITHESIS       SYNTHESIS

OUT THERE

either           or                              both/and

yes                no                             maybe

hot                cold                          tepid                                                         

above           below                       middle

outside         inside                      on the threshold                                                           

up                  down                       in between

hard              soft                          malleable

white            black                        gray

forward        backward                stationary

right              left                           center

always          never                       sometimes

full                empty                      half full/half empty

tight              loose                       adjustable

day                night                        dusk/dawn

summer       winter                      fall/spring

ice                 steam                       water

ACTIONS

planned                 unplanned           happened

complicated         simplistic             clear

hair-splitting       generalized          differentiated

true                       false                      imagined

agreement           disagreement      negotiation

good                     evil                        fitting

status quo kept  revolution            peaceful change

beautiful              ugly                       tasteful

left-wing              right-wing            middle-of-the-road

reduced                increased             maintained

PEOPLE     

I                     you                            we

male              female                       both

optimist       pessimist                  realist

believer        atheist                       knowing

systematic    disorganized            spontaneous

for                  against                      neutral

law-abiding   lawless                     using judgment

orderly          disorderly                flexible

efficient         inefficient                muddling through

consistent     inconsistent             supple

competent    incompetent            managing

saving            wasteful                   generous

stable             unstable                  adaptable

controlling    laissez-faire            giving leeway

competitive   giving in                  cooperative

loving             hating                      ambivalent

coherent        incoherent              fluctuating

peaceful         belligerent              dynamic

correct           incorrect                 discriminating

driven            paralyzed                active

passive          aggressive                enterprising

too honest    lying                         discrete  

calm              agitated                    alive

right              wrong                       creative

happy            sad                            congruent

giving            taking                       sharing

ceding           standing firm           compromising

prejudiced    gullible                     discerning

objective       subjective                fantasizing

opinionated  no opinion               differentiating

DEPOLARIZATION continued

A DREAM IMAGE

My eye is opened wider now, and sees as ne'er before

the endless possibilities of life and love on earth.

When it was closed, no leeway was available to me

between the poles at right and left, upon an axis straight;

But when I opened it I found there's more room in between

than at each end, no matter how secure that might have seemed.

If I should hap to close my eye, I'd lose my way at once.

So I shall keep it open now, and not shut down again.

 

DEPOLARIZATION

POEM: INTOLERANCE OF AMBIGUITY

I don't like Middleness!

I'm tired of  people making fun of me for my Middle West connection.

(When we were planning to move from Princeton, NJ, to Iowa City, IA, back in my native territory, a friend exclaimed, "I would rather die than live in the Middle West!")

I  don't feel good about being Middle Class

inhabiting the Temperate Zone 

 living moderately

even sitting in the Midde of a restaurant.

On a questionnaire, I answer

"Strongly agree" or "Strongly disagree"

Middle-of-the-roader?

Could cause a traffic accident

Fence-sitter?

Could topple over

Different shades of gray?

Black or white is neater

Lukewarm people?

"God spews them out of His mouth"

Revelation 3:16

You say "Trying"?

Shit or get off  the pot

 I'm glad my home is not in the Middle of the triplex!

ON TRUE THINKING

HOW TO BE RATIONAL AND EMOTIONAL AT THE SAME TIME

We have two radically different viewpoints to deal with: Rene Descartes' famous dictum,"I think, therefore I am", which  epitomizes the hyper-intellectualizing , and its contemporary paraphrase, "I feel,  therefore I am", which sums up the non-rational. 

Why is there so much confusion about the word "thinking"? Where is the truth in all this? We can be enlightened by looking at the history of thinking. As long as nature was largely an enigma, and life-threatening, people's thinking was contaminated by painful emotions: fear, anxiety, worry, which led to erroneous beliefs and superstitions. Even the clearest thinkers had difficulty distinguishing rational from irrational ideas. I find it significant that all the early revolutionary scientists had some blatant blind spots, which let superstitition sneak into their otherwise accurate view of reality. Ever since the 17th century, at least  in the scientific movement of the western world, a great deal of effort has been spent on making all observations objective and unclouded by personal feelings or wishes, to separate fact from fancy. This was an admirable, healthy, and necessary development, but it has gone too far. What was at first a refreshing new attitude has turned into a one-sided arid one, going so far as to claim: you cannot think straight if you have any feelings on the subject.

As a result, over the last 300 years, generations of scholars and researchers have struggled to separate their thinking from their feelings. In the process of becoming ever more intellectually sophisticated, they remained underdeveloped, even impoverished emotionally. Simultaneously, large numbers of people who cannot understand this "hard" science, because of its increasingly abstract and obscure nature, have been falling for  irrational movements, where feelings and desires come into their own. So, while our world is being transformed by computer dating, genetic engineering, space rockets, and in danger of annihilation by nuclear weapons, we are being inundated by food faddists, anti-vaccine fanatics, UFO sighters, creationists, and   stem cell research deniers.

In summary we can state: when the scientists decided to eliminate any knowledge not obtained by the cold, rigorous scientific method, they were trying to get rid of distressed feeling. In this process they lost also rational feelings, and threw out the baby with the bath water. At the same time, those who think science has gone too far, or are dissatisfied with its one-sidedness, have become anti-scientific and anti-intellectual. In their laudable attempt to get the baby back, they are getting the dirty water along with it!

Feelings of distress need to be felt, not acted upon. Thus, when we have gotten rid of our painful emotions, we will emerge with rational feelings: love for our fellow human beings, the earth around us, and the entire universe. These feelings, in turn, can inform and humanize our thinking.

Here is a table that can help us distinguish more clearly among three kinds of mental activity, all of which can go under the title: "True Thinking".

INTELLECTUAL                EMOTIONAL                       RATIONAL

Devoid of feeling                Based on painful emotion  Based on love & zest

Out of touch with reality  Rigid--closed system           Flexible

Logical but heavy               Illogical                                  Logical & buoyant

Complicated                        Simplistic                               Clear

Hair-splitting                     Over-generalized                  Differentiated

Asks wrong questions      Ready-made answers          Leads to new questions

Theoretical                          Jumps to conclusions          Leads to concrete 

                                                                                     action & practical conclusions

A POEM

CONVERSATION IN TONIA'S CLOTHES CLOSET--2006

"I've never seen you before--where did you come from?", remarked the black slacks to the light blue rick-rack trimmed, full-skirted dress hanging next to her.

"Oh, I'm a 'hand-me-up' from Tonia's daughter. She gained so much weight she couldn't close my zipper...Are you a 'hand-me-up' too?"

"No. I'm a 'hand-me-over', from a friend who didn't want to take me with her when she moved to Hawaii".

"Well--I'm a 'hand-me-down'", boasted a black sweater on the other side. "Tonia found me among her mother's clothes, after she died in 1996. I've been keeping my new owner warm ever since."

"As long as you're all giving yourselves titles, I can say I'm a 'bought-me-new' from Sears", boasted a crisp cotton turquoise dress with red trim. "There aren't many of us in this wardrobe".

"I'm a 'bought-me-new' also", proclaimed a knitted woolen turquoise dress", a gift from her aunt, who knew I was Tonia's favorite color".

"I'm another 'hand-me-down', but the most elegant garment in this whole closet", triumphed a sleek black dress and jacket printed with large red flowers and green leaves. Tonia chose me among the many clothes her aunt left when she died, in 1994. She always dressed in the height of fashion".

"Tonia certainly keeps her clothes a long time", piped up a full, multi-colored skirt. " I bet I'm the oldest, and the only 'sewn -by-hand' on this rack. Tonia made me in Concord, California, back in 1971. I've accompanied her on all her travels...I don't wrinkle, show dirt, or need a slip under me".

"You may be the only 'sewn-by-hand', but I'm the oldest!", exclaimed a soft brown and orange dress. "I'm one of the few 'bought-me-news', from the Grand Passage department store in Geneva, Switzerland, in 1965. I still get compliments when she wears me".

A modest little soft green sweater in the corner murmured, "I'm different from all of you--a 'bought-me-used', from a  thrift store right here in Santa Barbara, California. I cost only $1".

Next to her, a lacy rainbow blouse lamented, "I don't know how I came into this closet". Then she cheered up, "But Tonia loves all of use, no matter where we came from".

PS. "Hi everybody", shouted the newest arrival--a  jaunty bright red jacket. "I'm a hand-me-way-up', from Tonia's granddaughter, who didn't take me along when she went off to college". 

HOW I WISH TO BE TREATED AS AN ELDER

Seen first as a person and second as an elder

Accepted fully by any group I wish to join

Integrated fully into all aspects of life in which I choose to participate 

Encouraged to participate when I hesitate (because of internalized ageism)

Expected to be able to do anything I wish--not wondered at

Validated for my qualities, regardless of age

Helped when I ask for help, or consulted when  you  don't know how

Respected for myself--not my longevity

Not given up on

Not identified with someone's mother, grandmother, aunt, teacher, or anyone in authority

SOME CAUSES OF THE OPPRESSION OF ELDERS

In all industrialized countries under capitalism, when elders retire, and stop being useful to society as producers, they are seen only as consumers. In addition, since they tend to consume less, they are often cast aside, more or less forgotten.

In USA this situation is aggravated by the special circumstances under which this country was founded. When they decided to cross the Atlantic, most of the early settlers had to leave their aged relatives behind in the old country. In some cases they were no doubt happy to be free of domination by elders, who tended to run things, both in church and state as well as in the immediate family. Once here, as settlers moved on west in stages, they would often, again, leave their elders behind. As a result, the three-generation residential family was never the norm among white Americans, although it has always been so among the Native Americans, as well as in most  other countries.  Even in those countries where the elders do not actually live in the same house with their offspring, they often live close by, where they continue to exert a strong influence on the larger family. They receive a certain amount of respect and attention from their own descendants and from society in general.

Another factor peculiar to USA has been the premium that needed to be put on sheer physical energy to subdue the land, thus devaluing the contributions that older and weaker people could make to society. In fact, the urge to start anew, with fresh ideas, in a new land, precluded the consultation of elders in the search for solutions to problems never met before. Without precedents to follow, tradition does not play a large role.

Gradually, as USA society under capitalism began to develop a social conscience,  the disgraceful "poor farms", to which indigent elders had been relegated, were replaced by retirement centers, convalescent homes, geriatric wards in mental hospitals, and even elegant gated cities and villages for senior citizens in what I call "golden segregation". Although provision for elders is now more adequate, they are still effectively left out of the main stream of daily life.

Once they have been thus so efficiently isolated, I think that this segregation is the main cause of the ensuing oppression. When we do not see a given group of people on a daily basis, we tend to get strange ideas about them (from lack of information). These are passed on unthinkingly and eventually become stereotypes. Significantly, small children who have regular contact with elders do not see them as "old", even though they may see other older people that way.

Since most all of us in this country are caught up in the youth cult, we tend to think of youth as the norm, and being young as the highest good. So, when a younger person does manage to meet an elder with whom she finds a common bond, and tries to bridge the age gap, all she can think of saying is, "Oh, you look (or act) so young!"--in other words, "You are really one of us--you don't belong with those old fogies."

A psychological cause of oppression can be related to adultism, of which it may be a by-product. Those of us who were abused, neglected or overpowered by elders as children may then feel antagonistic toward all gray-haired people.

Whatever the reasons, oppression of elders can have devastating effects. If the only way to be recognized and validated is by appearing young, some go to great lengths and expense to create the illusion of youthfulness, or to keep a job. Think of all the money spent on creams and operations to eliminate wrinkles, hair-dyeing, wigs, face-lifts, breast operations. Most of these means involve women, but men also suffer by trying to keep up physically with youth. And what about Viagra? After all this, it is not surprising that the oppression has become so internalized that elders themselves tend to validate each other in terms of their youthfulness.

I have noticed a special aspect of ageism that is combined with sexism, and could be thought to have a biological basis: older men are usually attracted sexually to younger women, presumably because they can reproduce. The reverse has not been true, because older men can reproduce. For millenia this behavior was vital for the preservation of the species. However, such is no longer the case. In fact we now have the opposite problem: overpopulation. But, older men continue to prefer younger women. I think this is an attitude left over from the past, not biologically innate, and reversible. One factor that is already counteracting this trend is aging movie actresses, instead of fading away, or making themselves up to act in younger roles, are finding roles for their real age and continuing to be attractive role-models for women.